Some of life`s truths may be communicated in higher manner whilst it has a few humorous detail in it. Funny Quotes and announcing do the precisely same. These now no longer most effective make you ponder, additionally lighten your temper whilst it`s needed. In this newsletter we’ve got curated Best Funny Quotes and Sayings, in order to make you snigger out loud. Read through, memorize some and proportion together along with your close to ones.
Funny Quotes
- “Womenare wiser than men because they know less and understand more.”~ James Thurber
- “The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.”~ Andy Rooney
- “People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.”~ A. Milne
- “People kept saying ‘Go Corona’and it went to other countries to spread across the globe.” ~ truthbaoutabs
- “Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.”~ Alan Dundes
- “Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.” ~ Abraham Lincoln
- “A woman is like a tea bag – you can’t tell how strong she isuntil you put her in hot water.”~ Eleanor Roosevelt
- “Men marry women with the hopethey will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed. ”~ Albert Einstein
- “My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine.” ~ Caroline Rhea
- “All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.” ~ Casey Stengel
Funniest Quotes
- “At every party there are two kinds of people – those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.” ~ Ann Landers
- “Insomnia sharpens your math skills because you spend all night calculating how much sleepyou’ll get if you’re able to ‘fall asleep right now.’” ~ Anonymous
- “The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity.” ~ Dorothy Parker
- “A rich manis nothing but a poor man with money.” ~ C. Fields
- “I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.” ~ Rodney Dangerfield
- “My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I’m right.” ~ Ashleigh Brilliant
- “Wine is constant proof that God loves usand loves to see us happy.” ~ Benjamin Franklin
- “Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?” ~ Benny Hill
- “Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.” ~ Bernard Baruch
- “Life is hard; it’s harder if you’re stupid.” ~ John Wayne
Funny Inspirational Quotes
- “Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.” ~ Bertrand Russell
- “If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.” ~Billy Wilde
- “If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?” ~ Abraham Lincoln
- “He who laughs last didn’t get the joke.” ~ Charles de Gaulle
- “My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn’t pay the bill he gave me six months more.”~ Walter Matthau
- “A judge is a law student who marks his own examination papers.” ~ L. Mencken
- “I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.” ~ Charles Lamb
- “Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.” ~ Charles M. Schulz
- “By the time a man realizes that his fatherwas right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.” ~ Charles Wadsworth
- “High heels were invented by a woman who had been kissed on the forehead.” ~ Christopher Morley
Funny Quotes about Life
- “You love flowers, but you cut them. You love animals, but you eat them. Now you tell me you love me, that’s why I’m scared!” ~Anonymous
- “Don’t cry because it’s over. Smilebecause it happened.”~ Seuss
- “Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else’s can shorten it.”~ Cullen Hightower
- “Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society.” ~ Mark Twain
- “If you can’t live without me, why aren’t you dead already?” ~ Cynthia Heimel
- “To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target.”~ Ashleigh Brilliant
- “The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.”~ Harlan Ellison
- “If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.”~ Dalai Lama
- “If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.”~Lawrence Ferlinghetti
- “Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.”~ Dale Carnegie
Funniest Quotes of all time
- “I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” ~ Rita Rudner
- “I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.”~ David Lee Roth
- “A failureis like fertilizer; it stinks to be sure, but it makes things grow faster in the future.”~ Denis Waitley
- “Leave something for someone but don’t leave someone for something.”~ Enid Blyton
- “My mother always used to say: The older you get, the better you get, unless you’re a banana.” ~ Rose (Betty White)
- “Biologically speaking, if something bites you it’s more likely to be female.”~ Desmond Morris
- “A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists.”~ Don Marquis
- “Eggs are fantastic for a fitness If you don’t like the taste, just add cocoa, flour, sugar, butter, baking powder and cook at 350 for 30 minutes.” ~ Anonymous
- “If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happyto do it for you.”~ Groucho Marx
- “As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.”~ Norman Wisdom
Funny Quotes
- “When your motherasks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.” ~ Erma Bombeck
- “Sometimes you lie in bed at nightand you don’t have a single thing to worry about. That always worries me!” ~ Charlie Brown
- “Truth Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle with a seat missing, but it hurts.” ~ Lt. Frank Drebin
- “Age is just a number. It’s totally irrelevant unless, of course, you happen to be a bottle of wine.”~ Joan Collins
- “I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.”~ Emo Philips
- “If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.”~ C. Fields
- “Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.” ~ Anonymous
- “One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.”~George Carlin
- “If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer.” ~Ace Ventura
- “Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer.” ~ Ellen DeGeneres
Best Funny Quotes
- “Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.”~ Bill Maher
- “Instant gratificationtakes too long.” ~ Carrie Fisher
- “A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s: She changes it more often.”~ Oliver Herford
- “I don’t have to take this abusefrom you; I’ve got hundreds of people dying to abuse me.” ~ Peter Venkman
- “I’m in shape. Round is a shape.”~ George Carlin
- “I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance: waiting for the bathroom.” ~ Bob Hope
- “I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.”~ Groucho Marx
- “A successful manis one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.”~ Lana Turner
- “Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow just as well.” ~ Mark Twain
- “I admit that I live in the past, but only because housing is so much cheaper.” ~ Matt Wohlfarth
Cute Funny Quotes
- “Trying is the first step toward failure.” ~ Homer Simpson
- “Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.”~ Jackie Mason
- “Money cannot buy health, but I’d settle for a diamond-studded wheelchair.” ~ Dorothy Parker
- “According to a new survey, 90% of men say their lover is also their best friend. Which is really kind of disturbing when you consider man’s best friend is his dog.”~ Jay Leno
- “People are prisoners of their phone… that’s why it’s called a “cell” ~ truthbaoutabs
- “God is at home, it’s we who have gone out for a walk.”~ Meister Eckhart
- “I just realized that ‘Let me check my calendar’ is the adult version of ‘Let me ask my mom.’” ~Noelle Chatham
- “Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.” ~ Elbert Hubbard
- “Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example.”~ Francois de La Rochefoucauld
- “We learn from experiencethat men never learn anything from experience.”~ George Bernard Shaw
Top Funny Quotes
- “I never feel more alone than when I’m trying to put sunscreen on my back.” ~Jimmy Kimmel
- “The only thing that separates us from the animals is our ability to accessorize.” ~ Clairee Belcher
- “When I’m in social situations, I always hold onto my glass. It makes me feel comfortable and secure and I don’t have to shake hands.” ~ Larry
- “I never forget a face—but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.” ~ Groucho Marx
- “A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.” ~ Steve Martin
- “Whoever said money can’t buy happinessdidn’t know where to shop.”~ Gertrude Stein
- “There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.”~ Oscar Levant
- “A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.”~ Groucho Marx
- “Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.”~Groucho Marx
- “It’s a recession when your neighbor loses his job; it’s a depressionwhen you lose yours.”~ Harry S. Truman
Funny Quotes
- “Halloweenis the beginning of the holiday shopping season. That’s forwomen. The beginning of the holiday shopping season for men is Christmas Eve.” ~ David Letterman
- “I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need, if I die by four o’clock.” ~ Henny Youngman
- “The road to successis always under construction.” ~ Lily Tomlin
- “When we talk to God, we’re praying. When God talks to us, we’re schizophrenic.” ~ Jane Wagner
- “Always forgive your enemies– nothing annoys them so much.” ~ Oscar Wilde
- “The greatest thief this world has ever produced is procrastination, and he is still at large.” ~Josh Billings
- “The safe way to double your moneyis to fold it over once and put it in your pocket.”~Kin Hubbard
- “Worrying is like paying a debt you don’t owe.”~Mark Twain
- “A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.” ~ Milton Berle
- “I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.” ~ Mitch Hedberg
Funny Quotes and sayings
- “Gentlemen, you can’t fight in here. This is the war room.” ~ President Merkin Muffley
- “Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.” ~Jack Handey
- “Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.” ~Will Ferrell
- “I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” ~ Phyllis Diller
- “I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.” ~ Les Dawson
- “There is no sunriseso beautiful that it is worth waking me up to see it.” ~ Mindy Kaling
- “You know you’ve reached middle age when you’re cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police.” ~ Joan Rivers
- “My Mama says that alligators are ornery because they got all them teeth and no toothbrush.” ~ Bobby Bouche
- “Never do anything out of hunger. Not even eating.” ~ Frank Semyon
- “To call you stupid would be an insult to stupid people!” ~ Wanda
More Funny Quotes
- “Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?” ~ Robin Williams
- “I prefer not to think before speaking. I like being as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth.” ~ Anonymous
- “My husband and I fell in love at first sight. Maybe I should have taken a second look.” ~ Halley Reed
- “Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination.” ~ Oscar Wilde
- “The worst part of online shopping is having to get up and get your credit card from your purse.” ~ Anonymous
- “Outside of a dog, a bookis man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.” ~ Groucho Marx
- “I’d like to have a kid, but I’m not sure I’m ready to spend 10 years of my life constantly asking someone where his shoes are.” ~ Damien Fahey
- “I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.” ~ Noel Coward
- “People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.” ~ Isaac Asimov
- “By the time someone says, ‘To make a long story short,’ it’s too late.” ~ Don Herold
Funny Quotes
- “It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail.” ~ Gore Vidal
- “One of the keys to happiness is a bad memory.” ~ Rita Mae Brown
- “Thankfully, perseverance is a great substitute for talent.” ~ Steve Martin
- “Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.” ~ Mark Twain
- “I always cook with wine. Sometimes I even add it to the food.” ~C. Fields
- “When the waitress asked if I wanted my pizza cut into four or eight slices, I said, ‘Four. I don’t think I can eat eight.’” ~ Yogi Berra
- “People can’t drive you crazy if you don’t give them the keys.” ~ Mike Bechtle
- “It’s so much easier to suggest solutions when you don’t know too much about the problem.” ~Malcolm Forbes
- “The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about.” ~Oscar Wilde
- “The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.” ~ Lucille Ball